ALL HAIL MUTULA

Upon realization that Mutula, the education minister, is on the students' side there has been more, than ever, reason to hang up bags and boots. His style of running the office puts the student in the very interest that they deserve, and that’s how it should be. As with the habit of most Kenyans, students presented vacuous pleas to the guy…

Rwathia girls started the campaign with their demand for 'more comfortable' mini skirts. The boys' side then asked for skinny jeans instead of the buggy CONNET bottoms. Soon more schools in central were up in arms. Kerugoya girls wanted their field transformed to a hockey stadium, Nyeri high wanted academic competitions ditched -since they lose them all- and Mang'u wanted their school elevated to a university!

Their Nairobi neighbours got infected. Starehe wanted to clad in beanie shorts instead of their al time…goodness. Jamhu wanted knife fighting and hustling be taught as vocational subjects, Ditchez wanted Riddim be taught as a topic in music and most absurd, Moi forces asked for combat training!

Soon all high schools went up in arms!! Utumishi academy wanted classes on corruption and affiliated issues. Kakamega wanted their school converted into a football academy. But the minister gave one versatile answer…NO TUTION TO ALL STUDENTS!!! One would say the nigger is mad, another would ask why do politicians be tripping…but the students' answer is HYFR Mr. Minister!!!

I believe education will run smoother if this continues and that this generation will be the brightest. At the end Kenya will become an educational haven with educational refugees from Somalia, the Sudan and even Rongai!!!

The Stupid

I've had some weird times in high school that I love to remember. Here are some instances I chuckle when I reflect. There's a time when a teacher asked me….. , "Is this funny?"….and I very well knew it was bone cracking! Another moment one I remember was when a teacher woke me up in the middle of the night only to check if I'm in my pyjamas.

 There was this time I was flossing how the Math paper was so easy and every one had a different story to tell, funny enough I had the only E. the following paper was so grueling for me unlike the rest, ironically I had one of the only three A's, (ok maybe they were 10 but who cares I got an A).

There's the times when we attend functions and get to meet new people (lassies actually). Some of them were stupid (no offence), I remember being asked why our sleek school ride (yeah yeah it was cool-ironically-..) was dubbed 'the college connection'… how the hell was I to answer? Speaking of functions some girl schools actually fought for my school…you don't know how proud we were…and we hung on the issue like settled drifters. So this time my fly can't lock nicely, I had to dub an excuse for it, "hey your fly is open…I know my guy it's just that it can't hold the muscle!" I kept this for a while till our boarding master demands for an explanation as to why my fly is open... oops you don’t need to know what happened next…the tailor came.

Some other moment a room-mate of mine lost some heavy cheddar…I don't know how much… but he swore to consult his 'gods'…coincidentally I kept waking up on the wrong foot the following week and everyone in the cubical gave me the eye.

 I remember this teacher dudes yapped about. History was his thing (I'm not sure)…so a day he asks a question (according to sources) and some random dude answers" Lord Busta Rhyme an Sir Ludacris…that’s right where did you get that from…the encyclopedias sir…wow! You should all research like my friend here" Rumour has it that the guy applied as a chef and miracles do happen!! Another instance the guy was talking about the Kenya Vs Egypt football match, trying to put emphasis on the weakness of the Kenya team the guy insisted that Egyptians were on the sidelines watching 5 of their teammates take on 11 Kenyans, in fact the goalkeeper came armed with a magazine (not the part of a gun).

So as we used to scribble our love letters, there was one very common excuse for lack of adequate paper to scribble on. It went like, there's much love (things to write) but the paper is too small to show my love to you (I don’t have anything else to say!)

The Schwindlers

The theory of natural selection supports the survival for the fittest. In high school the fittest turned out to be the 'cleverest', those who could make money during the trimesters, those who had vibe, those that could evade getting into shit when they are shit in nature.

My favorite group of the strong survived in tests. These guys were the greatest in terms of planning, timing and execution. Basically theirs was a white collar jib. I'm talking about guys who cheated…no those that were clever during a test.

I really enjoyed watching them (though at times I indulged so as to survive anyway). I remember the first time I saw guys do the 'take your position'. This involved practicals and timing was a necessity! You could find seven guys cramming on one sink to wash test tubes (FYI 12 other taps are in the lab), but when they take their seats roles change. You get a new guy next to you. He even doesn’t have a pen and is busy cramming and reciting answers like an Islamic boy in his Madrassa. 5 minutes later test tubes -though clean- get rewashed. Incase the T/A is hot on their movements then a backup plan is used, alias 'The Fax'. It entails the disappearing of an answer sheet on one side and its appearance on the receiving end, just like a fax. It's quit popular as it involves copy pasting and you are done, smiling your way to an A!!!

The other popular lab job is named, by me, the I Pad 3. I call it that since it’s the most intelligent tablet ever. You don’t even have to touch the screen since it gives you what you precisely want. All you need is to sit near a chop -who should have relations with you-and motion to him when you need the screen to start showing. It is the most efficient considering the technology that baffles android and symbian combined!! It's like a super comp that reads your mind and emotions!!

Let's get into the normal exam room. Set up; a humanity exam, these subjects require much reading and very little is tested. In a defense mechanism students read little and to account for the rest a 'laptop' is used in the exam room. A laptop is basically any textbook that can be placed on the candidates lap from his desk or bag without the invigilators notice. So now the laptop in use, nothing can make you fail. In the case where desks are empty, or the candidate is using a single-wing chair (the kind used in college) a -compressed document file- the infamous mwakenya is used. I don’t like it because it gives a sense of underhand means.

Now the other exciting part involves sciences. Sciences have an affinity to low grades (according to revelations by some of my consociates). The best way of riding out a difficult situation is by using all that you have. In the situation at hand a calculator should come handy, that’s why THE STUDENT and his associates retorted to formulate the calc-talk. It’s a complicated format of communication that involves scientific language (harder than Latin) that not even Einstein can crack. For the rest-not good enough for THE CLUB- scribble in mathematical formulae book which they expect to use in a biology paper. Seriously speaking I personally formulated the calc-talk but cheating in exam is for my associates, they pay me to update and complicate the thing. Eventually passing is vital, and as they say they don’t give a damn how you got there, they just celebrate that you are there!